I was exposed to pornography when I was 11. I didn't know what to make of it at first, but living at home with limited internet access, my consumption wasn't too bad.
When I was 17, I moved out for my studies, and this newfound independence led me down a very bad path. This is when my pornography consumption increased significantly. Ultimately, at 19, I was hell-bent on trying real sex, but I was unable to find a relationship. This made me take a shortcut on intimacy and vulnerability, and I decided to pay for sex.
I paid for sex multiple times until I was around 22. Around this same time, I also moved to a new country and met my wife.
When we started dating, I promised myself that I was done with those habits and would put them behind me. I am a very insecure person; when I was courting my wife, she was originally interested in another person. He is taller and objectively better-looking than I am, so I always feel insecure when she is around him. One day, she, I, and some other friends—including him—went on a trip, and I felt intensely insecure afterward. This triggered me to visit a massage parlor.
She didn't know anything about my past struggles with pornography and sex workers. However, one day when we were about to get physical, she stopped me and said she wasn't comfortable for religious reasons. I didn't push further, but something inside me prompted me to tell her about my past, including the massage parlor visit (D-Day 1).
She was understandably very hurt and shocked. She said she wanted to break up. I begged her and trickle-truthed about the massage parlor visit, claiming I hadn't actually gone through with it. After a period of no contact, she decided to forgive me and try again. But I felt guilty about the trickle-truthing and told her the full truth a few months later (D-Day 2). She then decided to end the relationship, but after some time, she gave me another chance. I promised myself that I would never do this to her again.
After three years of dating, we got married, and one year into our marriage, we had our daughter. During this time, I was still consuming pornography secretly, and this—along with postpartum challenges—created a very significant crack in our relationship. Driven by selfishness once again, I justified visiting massage parlors and sex workers. After a few months of guilt, I decided to confess to her again (D-Day 3). She decided to give me yet another chance. I was deeply grateful and entirely sure that I would never do this to her again. I made a promise to myself not to let pornography destroy my life again, but alas, I fell into the same hole repeatedly.
Fast forward to last year, seven years after D-Day 3: I had started consuming pornography again in the years leading up, and during a family trip, I visited a sex worker. At first, I knew deep down in my heart that this was definitely the last straw, and I decided to keep it a secret and take it to my grave. But by June of this year, the guilt finally consumed me, and I confessed to her again (D-Day 4).
She said that this time, she didn't want to get hurt anymore. At first, I didn't want to accept that. I shifted the blame to her, saying that our marriage has been sexless since our second year. I kept begging her to try again and to do it properly this time. We had never sought professional help during the previous D-Days, so I begged her to try counseling. But understandably, she's done with me.
I didn't realise that all of this was caused by my selfishness, my emotional instability, and the very deep wounds I had inflicted on her. For 14 years, I have tormented her with my addiction. I've asked her to carry my emotional baggage, my insecurities, and my anger issues. And for 14 years, she has shown me grace and love that I never truly appreciated and always took for granted.
I've started individual counseling for my porn addiction and will continue regardless of what happens, for my own sake and for my daughter's sake.
She hasn't kicked me out of the house yet because she doesn't want to cause pain for our daughter. How do I keep respecting her decision and not fall into the spiral of shame and despair so I can still show up for here when she needs it and also for our daughter?
[This message edited by schrodingerfeline at 6:26 AM, Wednesday, September 9th]
