Meeting someone where they're at

I've been thinking about the phrase "meet someone where they're at," particularly in the context of supporting waywards who are still trying to understand their own thinking. I wonder if sometimes we confuse challenging someone's thinking with giving them the opportunity to actually examine it.

I can be very stubborn. I often think being told I am "limerent," "addicted," or on a "dopamine high" would make me less likely to consider the idea and more likely to argue about why you're wrong.

As a wayward spouse with a long history of being told "this is how it is" or "this is what you're supposed to think," I've become very sensitive to having someone interpret my experience for me (in case you haven't noticed ). And because of that, I often think the right question opens the door to further contemplation rather than being told what I should or shouldn't feel or believe.

It gives me room to ruminate and consider the possibility without feeling like I have to defend my internal world—and for me, in particular, it's an incredibly valuable experience in a dynamic where there can already be a lot of conclusions made about what a wayward thinks, does, or believes.

And I understand the culture of wanting to throw a bucket of cold water on the wayward to wake them up. I'm just not sure that approach works for everyone.

For some people, I think the most productive thing you can do is give them enough space to arrive at the conclusion themselves. They may get there more slowly, but when they do, it's something they've actually integrated rather than something they've been argued into accepting.

So, what does "meeting someone where they're at" mean to you?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, September 9th, 2026

He Matters

Today is September 1st.

My son would’ve been three years old this month. And in some ways, it’s even more painful than the previous two years.

I sometimes find myself thinking, "I would betray my husband again and again if it would give us back what we lost."

How completely illogical is that?

So instead, I lay on my couch and cry. And when it becomes too much, I scroll social media in an attempt to dull the grief. It doesn’t really work.

I think about the stroller I almost bought. The first day of kindergarten I’ll never get to see. What he would’ve been like. How much his siblings would’ve loved him.

Then I look at my daughter and think, "You shouldn’t be here. You are not the right one."

And I wonder what mother thinks that.

I love our daughter. I love her deeply. But it’s almost painful to look at her right now.

Then I become angry.

I hate when a betrayed spouse says an unfaithful spouse can never understand the pain they’re going through. I think it’s stupid.

No, we won’t feel it in the exact same way you do. But we understand what pain is.

Pretty crappy week for the therapist to be out of town.

And then… nothing.

It’s a faucet I can turn off. A blessing and a curse.

Compartmentalization is a real bitch.

I suppose this is simply a cry into the void.

I don’t really have a point. I just miss my son.

I need a place where he can exist outside my own heart.

I’m really afraid he’ll be forgotten.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, September 1st, 2026

Reconciling vs. Reconciled — How Do You See the Difference?

Hello all, My husband and I were talking last night about the difference between reconciling and being reconciled. We have some fairly loose definitions of what those words mean to us, but I’m curious how others understand the distinction.

Do you see reconciliation as an ongoing process—something we continually return to through repair, understanding, and choosing each other? Or do you believe there is a point where a relationship can truly become reconciled, even though growth and repair continue?

I’d love to hear how others think about the distinction as we continue figuring out what reconciliation looks like in our marriage.

18 comments posted: Wednesday, August 5th, 2026

The details

I’ve been reflecting on my recent post and some of the responses, and I found myself thinking about the discussion around details.

A few people mentioned that more details about my affair would help provide context or make it easier to offer advice. I completely understand that perspective — details can matter, and context can be helpful.

Maybe I’m thinking about this weirdly, but when people say they need more details, is it less about the affair itself and more about understanding the self-discovery piece? I’m curious what people are looking for in those details — context about what happened, insight into why it happened, understanding of accountability, or something else?

For me, the bigger question isn’t just "what happened?" but "what does someone do with what happened once they are trying to grow and change?"

I’m genuinely interested in hearing different perspectives.

24 comments posted: Sunday, July 26th, 2026

What next?

Hello,

New to the forums and curious about where I go from here.

I am WW. My dday was about 8 months ago. I chose to end my affair and self-disclose. Prior to doing so I had researched extensively what the fall out would be and though I’d say I was prepared, I was not prepared.

Since then we’ve actively decided to reconcile and have been making decent progress. My husband has been very gracious, he chose to forgive me fairly early on and is committed to continuing forward. TBH, I don’t really have any concerns about us reconciling right now.

But I’m not sure where to go from here in my own individual journey - I’ve been seeing a therapist almost weekly since a few weeks prior to my disclosure. Read a lot of books on affairs, marriage, family origins, attachment, fawning, etc. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the mechanisms or influences behind some of the decisions I’ve made.

I’m also slowly learning to recognize when it manifests as a behavior and how to choose a healthy alternative. I did get told by my therapist that it’s not really something I can rush, that it takes time.

Weirdly, both my husband and I have recognized this process of transformation will probably be longer than his process of healing. I don’t mean that lightly. We’ve both just learned a lot about things I chose to forget or ignore and it’s going to take time to unpack the history of what came before the marriage and how it intersected with our marriage.

I guess I’m just curious what came next for everyone else. Was it mostly just continuing therapy, practicing what you were learning, and giving it time? Or was there something else that really helped during this stage?

72 comments posted: Friday, July 24th, 2026