SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my SI friends,

As per title I’m just sick of it all, I’m tired.
We went to visit his father and I got triggered, then again and another couple of triggers then we got home and I erupted.
I miss myself, I look at myself now and I nolonger recognise me.

Before we went to visit I told him that I knew what I want, but there were terms and conditions, he accepted my terms and conditions and I also wanted to get rid of my old journal, it’s full and I don’t want it in the house, first I needed him to bear witness to my words before it was destroyed. He did, so did I, some of the things I’d written I can’t remember at all.

I really do want to see what we can build together from these ruins but I’m not entirely sure I’m capable, I can’t for the life in me get a hold of triggers, I try so hard and I burn out and I don’t even like myself anymore, I try to be kind to myself.

It’s not just what my H did, the prostitutes, the affair, it’s the years of carrying everything and the emotional neglect, 25 Fking years!, he had 25 years to see me but he had to cause catastrophic damage before realising what he actually had. Our boys, he didn’t stop to think of what this would do to our boys. It all just sucks arse.

For a decent amount of time now my H has been consistently doing his best, he’s accountable, talks about anything at anytime for however long without flinching, he still makes mistakes here and there but nobody’s perfect. I’m starting to think that whatever he does will never be enough because my brain will never STFU and stop scanning, I should put an end to this suffering.

It kind of feels like I accept what my H did, I know I can’t change it but I have no idea how to live alongside it without it sideswiping me.

I don’t know how to fix myself, I’m sick of getting taken down.

Aside from buying a cattle prod, any recommendations?, do I need to go back to therapy?, read more books?

Hey Bruce.

Did you notice when you get throw off center and when you are instead centered and at peace?

What are the feelings following and preceding those moments?

Thank you BFTS for your reply,

What usually knocks me off is reminders of my previous 25 years of marriage, so how he used to be or anything that confirms that things haven’t changed.

What triggered me over there was a comment from a family member who said I quote ‘leave him here now, he belongs here, go back to England on your own, you don’t need him anymore your kids have grown up’. My H wasn’t there and because I’m not fluent in that language I have to think of what I need to say etc so just left it, I told my H and he said don’t let that POS effect us, she’s worm food and evil. To me it just reminds me of how his family have always been with me and I think am I really still here listening to this shit?.

In the airport he pissed me off again, our eldest loves fragrance, boutique ones and I’ve never seen them in airports, they did have them in a little kiosk there and I took a picture and sent it to my son to see which one he wanted, he said which one but the lady in the kiosk was rude and said hey no pictures please, you are not allowed to take pictures, I was about to explain but she cut me off and said no pictures please. I just walked off, my H said aren’t you buying one for him?, I said I don’t know what he wants because I can’t take pictures, at that point I would not have had one given for free my H turned round and said thank you to her and it made me so angry. This reminds me that he will always put other people’s comfort before mine, what was he thanking her for?, being an awkward bitch?. I asked security why there was no pics allowed and he said that pics are allowed and he doesn’t know why she said that.

Then I get pissed that I’m even still explaining what I expect from him, I explained it the other way around, he got it and then was apologetic but it’s too late by then. I explained that I will not stay married to a nice guy, I don’t want a nice guy.

I guess I’m most centred and at peace when I’m just living life really, I can start overthinking when I’m not busy do I try to keep busy or have plans. I do have really good days where I don’t think about what happened at all, if I do it’s for a split second, I just tell myself that’s a memory from the past and that is not happening now and I happily move along. I think I go and collect triggers and or reminders and let them accumulate until it all feels too much and by then I’m already done with everything. Once I’ve had an explosion of explaining my feelings then I feel better but then I feel disgusted in myself for not dealing with things better than I do, I beat myself up because I recognise I have fallen in to the same pattern again. Rinse repeat.

Hey Bruce,

It's such a messed up crazy ride, isn't it?

I can relate to your feelings of "am I in or out"? If I just look at his behavior since DDay, I can see miraculous changes and my heart can be quite filled with hope and love. But then he'll slide back into old habits (being critical, condescending or snappy) and I just want to kick his ass on down the road. To be honest, I still cling to resentments. I'm trying hard to let some things go.

It's the 42 yrs of deception that are my downfall. 42 yrs of acting. Yes, he finally made the decision to show me the honesty and respect I deserved, but I can't help but feel used. Fooled. Manipulated. I will NEVER know all of our truth. He gets to invent the narrative. I'm asked to accept it.

I too am searching for a way to "live alongside it".

When all of this came to light, I made the mistake of googling affair topics. I am on Instagram and FB. Never post on IG rarely post on FB. However, the algorithms have locked onto my searches, and affair posts dominate my feeds. It doesn't help me stay centered when I'm bombarded by this shit every day. I know the answer is to get off of them, but my connection to many friends and family are thru FB. Community connections too. I have to make a strong effort to resist the click and the rabbit hole.

I don't know how to answer you. Reading and learning is always good. I did not do therapy and quite often think maybe I should. I love your clear honest communication that you have with your hubby. I need to do a better job with that.

I know in my moments of complete meltdown that it's temporary. I know we are working on something better. It's not a this too will pass moment. I have been working on letting the feelings out but then taking a step back and addressing them with him in a calmer moment.

We are a team. We are committed. The urge to keep looking in the rearview mirror is a problem I will continue to struggle with.

Time. It will take time.

Aside from buying a cattle prod, any recommendations?, do I need to go back to therapy?, read more books?

I’ve read all the books, did a couple runs at therapy — and I’m not sure a cattle prod is going to shake things up the way you need it to.

At the end of the day, you’re looking to see if you can look beyond the unforgivable, and that took me a while too.

I don’t like that it took decades for my wife to see me and value me properly.

But now she does and she has for the last ten years now.

I also will not get any of that ‘lost’ time back.

At some point, the past must become the past — whether you stay or leave!

My inner peace is based on focus on today.

As I always say, I am very comfortable hating the A. Hate it. No one’s life is better because of infidelity.

However, the quality of life is overcoming the pain, overcoming the past and healing from the damage caused by infidelity.

You may be one of the souls who simply can’t see the good or enough of the good in your spouse today to stay.

And that’s perfectly human, and a completely FAIR response to the trauma.

Don’t be mad at yourself for being mad.

You EARNED that anger.

As you said, you "really want to see what we can build together from these ruins…" — then it has to be a focus.

We tend to hit what we aim for.

You can’t heal up if you’re beating yourself up for lack of letting go.

I also got hung up (for a few YEARS) on the time lost, and the idea none of it can made up.

My wife and I try to make up for it anyway by how we chase each other now, today.

I don’t make myself be okay with what happened.

I can focus on the bad things that happened to me forever and be completely miserable.

Or I can focus on the good things in front of me today.

You don’t have to pretend the A didn’t happen, you can appreciate that the horror show didn’t become your life.

The only silver lining is now you get to choose today and what today will look like. And then aim for better tomorrow.

Divorce is always a choice too, and we all know where our front doors are and can walk away anytime we WANT. There is some comfort in that option ALWAYS being there. That is the safety net if our M can’t be what we need.

Jumping back into the M, with full heart and vulnerability IS the hardest step for anyone attempting R.

Be kind to yourself.

Your brain is still being protective is all.

You may NOT be able to convince that same brain to focus on the good stuff. That’s the battle.

It kind of feels like I accept what my H did, I know I can’t change it but I have no idea how to live alongside it without it sideswiping me.

I don’t know how to fix myself, I’m sick of getting taken down.

Aside from buying a cattle prod, any recommendations?, do I need to go back to therapy?, read more books?

I don't know if I'm the best person to pipe up here because I think we may be wired very differently. But I fully share being fed up with having a new reality forced on me, which is where it sounds like you are.

Anyway, you don't need fixing. I know that much.

I've been using the meditations from the Tutus' The Book of Forgiving. There are many. They all speak in varying ratios to compassion (for self and/or others), airing truths and releasing. If I feel like frustrations about the past are mounting (before they explode externally) and influencing the present in an outsized way, then I'll use the one that feels most appropriate to clear out whatever wants to clear out. When I do this kind of exercise, I'm always heard in exactly the way I need to be. No misunderstandings, no having to explain context to someone else, just getting out what I don't want to hold in, or validating some part of me that needed it.

My biggest tool in the box so far has been this kind of maintenance. Because we don't calm down once and stay calm forever. If one part of me wants to stay on the path and another part of me is desperate to pump the brakes (clinging to resentment, shortening my fuse, whatever), I have to slow down and hear what it's saying. Then use that information to create the conditions for that part of me to get on board with what the rest of me is working to build, if it can be ready for that.

For me, using these meditation exercises to listen to my grief when I'm stuck has been a big part of removing at least some of the stickiness. You're already telling yourself that they will pass, and they will, but they also may need to be fully heard (instead of distracted or dismissed) before they can do that. I can do that all on my own without an appointment or buying or researching a new anything, which makes it a nimble tool. I'm also a fiercely internal processor. YMMV

All the luck.

Hi Truemansworld,

I completely feel the same, it was a long time wasn’t it, to live with a mask. It’s an awful feeling, it sticks to you, you want to wash and scrub it off and be rid of it.

I also relate to the social media, I too can admit to getting sucked it to A related topics and before I know it my brain is completely fried. I have found a kind of solution for this though and that is to remember ‘this has nothing to do with me, it’s not my story’, no 2 A stories are ever the same, we’ve both been here long enough to know this, neither of us fit anyone’s social media story either, our stories are unique and our own, they won’t fit in anyone else’s box - nothing to see here move along.

Thank you for your appreciation of my communication skills 😂 our therapist described my communication as very direct.

Thank you for your support Truemansworld.