SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, first post here.
I am 19 months post dday3 and hopefully in R. I am married 23 years have two teenage boys.
My W had an affair with a childhood sweetheart. She actually told me in about march 2023 that he has been in touch because his dad has passed away. My father has also passed way so I just said that is sad, I didn’t think I had to say to not stay in touch.
Dday1 about a year later I had totally forgotten about him getting in touch. My gut feeling was screaming something was wrong. Treating me like a friend not a husband. I tried looking at her phone but WhatsApp was facelocked. It took about 3 weeks trying when one day I wasn’t going straight to work as i had a dental appt so she was in the shower. I was still home (her phone never left her) . I got on to WhatsApp and saw evidence. I confronted her, she said they had only been in touch a short while and she would end it and stay with me.
Dday2 about 5 months later and she was starting to carry her phone all the time. Again gut feeling screaming something wrong. She hid things well she was careful when she sent messages , only used. WhatsApp and deleted them all. However I went through the phone bill and noted all calls to numbers I didn’t recognise. When my gut said something was wrong one of the things I would do was phone the numbers. This day one of them went through to his work voicemail… busted.
She again promised me she would end it. I was persuaded to try again.
Dday3 a number of months later and my gut feeling was at times ok but at others times my "spidey senses" would tingle. This time a VAR in the car caught her. The discussions with him were quite stained and I felt their relationship was not great. Rightly or wrongly i have given her one more chance.

So my question is that now 19 months later my gut feeling at times says something is off. Now maybe it could be that my gut is saying I should have given up on the marriage?
One of the things I did before was keep notes on what I thought was suspicious and there are things now.
Thank you for your time, my question is can your gut feeling be wrong maybe because I spent so long on high alert previously?

I’d trust your inner voice. You have not been wrong so far.

Thanks for The reply 1stwife.
Through all of this she has never really admitted anything other than when I have irrefutable evidence. After dday3 she did tell me a lot of things she hadn’t before, secrets he wouldn’t want me to know and a lot of the story. That said even with that effort to take me in to the circle of trust she could still always change her mind and go back to him!
I think what I am asking is, if I follow my gut feeling what does that look like. I have told her that my gut feeling is that something is going on but she just reassures me that isn’t the case. The only think I can think of is to suggest a separation or D but that would be just on gut feeling. Is it enough to suggest separation?
The VAR hasn’t picked anything up but I believe she knows it is there now.

OP

You're standing on the tracks and an Express Passenger train is coming. Are you going to stay on the tracks?

Or get off the tracks to save yourself?

Utoob has some gross videos of what happens to bodies that don't get off tracks in time-

You have enough.

First of all, you don’t need anything. Maybe Ireland has different laws, but most places have "no fault" divorce. So you can divorce for any reason or no reason at all.

Second of all, you have a great reason. She cheated on you!! You’ve had 3 D-Days. She put you through, what 8 months of False R? All of that add up to very good reasons to separate or get a D.

You’re miserable right now. She cannot or will not give you the reassurances you need to feel safe in the relationship. She’s been dishonest for the past 3 years (minimum) and to this day you don’t have the full truth. Is this her first affair? Do you even know?

Have you exposed the affair? Does AP have a wife, and have you told her? What about her parents? Affairs thrive in secrecy, and exposure is sometimes enough to kill them off.

Is she in therapy? What is she actually doing to prove that she’s a safe and honest partner?

Something is off because she has not truly been broken or committed to recovery yet. You are in a state of torture and she sees the consequences are little to nothing.

1) Have you informed spouse of affair partner?

2) Have you informed her family?

3) Have you spoke to a lawyer?

4) Is she in therapy with a Betrayal Trauma Specialist who will help hold her accountable?

Her pattern has been lying so you are conditioned. You gut is preparing for another lie to protect yourself.

So in theory, if she truly did turn and end it and commit to recovery, your gut would likely still feel off. This could only stop after she earned trust which takes consistency over time.

Yes. Gut feelings can be wrong. That's why the scientific method exists and we don't rely on gut feelings when seeking as close to an approximation of absolute truth as we can achieve. It's the most logical way to find it.

However, this isn't science. It's not logical. You're in the realm of emotion and emotions are messy and don't always make sense. Gut feelings have been pretty accurate for many here on the forums. You subconsciously pick up on things that don't add up and they eat at you. How accurate was your gut feeling the last few times?

I gotta say, the fact that she keeps lying to you and you keep forgiving it does not incentivize her to be honest and stop what she's been doing. It seems a little bit pick me dance-y. That never works. You have to stop being afraid of losing her if you do or say the "wrong" thing. You already lost her when she cheated on you. If you questioning or being upset over her actions causes her to leave then just how strong is the relationship? Do you want to stay with her if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells and deal with these humiliating discoveries for the rest of your life?

It's counter intuitive, but sometimes to save a relationship you have to be willing to let it go. You don't want to be with someone who isn't committed to you. Sometimes a 2×4 upside the head is what it takes to snap a wayward spouse out of the fog. When I called divorce lawyers in front of my wife it changed everything.

It turns out she didn't want to lose the marriage and was willing to do whatever it took. Including going no contact and being honest with me. I know her passcodes and have unfettered access to all of her devices and she's completely comfortable with it now. She wasn't before. It took a hard dose of reality to get her there. I don't know your wife. It may not go that way for you, but there are many other stories here with similar results. I'd rather risk losing her than live in infidelity. That should be your goal. To get out of infidelity.

There are 2 paths for that. Divorce or reconciliation. Reconciliation has to be built on truth and transparency. If not, then divorce is the other option. Not the preferred option, but it's better than living with a cheater. You have to find your resolve and force some action. I hope you do, and I hope you get the outcome you want, but in either case you have to decide you're getting out of infidelity one way or another. For me, that decision saved my marriage. And my sanity.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:45 PM, Monday, July 27th]