SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mate, there's nothing you can do about the past. What defines you now and will define you in the future is how you react to double betrayal.
First, get rid of all illusions: neither your wife nor your daughters love or respect you. You also don't love your current wife (a liar and a tart), but her portrait, which you imprinted in your mind before she decided to kick you off her life. Accept this and react appropriately as a man should, not a doormat.
Secondly, your daughters are adults, and it works in your favor, and you have proof.
Thirdly, your reaction must be tough and consistent.
Fourthly, If you do not start acting uncompromisingly and showing your strength, you will lose and you will have a miserable life full of suffering, which will one day end in a successful suicide. Is this what you want?
If not, if you have at least a grain of pride and dignity left in you, you should immediately do the following things.
1. Tell your wife that you are divorcing her, contact a lawyer and start preparing a file for divorce (even if you want to stay).
2. Confront your daughters, tell them firmly that you disown them and pursue a no contact policy.
3. Tell the partner of that bastard lover of your wife about the affair.
4. Report the affair to your family, friends, and on social media.
................................................................
It is necessary not to talk to her or to your daughters, but to do all 4 points at the same time. I repeat, you have to do this even if you hope for "reconciliation" (which is the worst possible option).
Use 180° tactics.
Show these terrible women your indifference to them, your cold contempt.
In any case, do not cry in front of them, do not show your vulnerability - this is the worst tactic.
Don't believe a word they say.
Don't be afraid, the worst has already happened.
Don't ask them for anything, don't beg them for anything.

If you have the courage to implement what I said, then you will see a miracle!
Your so-called wife will crawl up to you, wagging her tail and whining like a beaten dog.
Your so-called daughters will do the same because they are afraid of publicity and that you will disinherit them, not walk them down the aisle at their dream weddings (if they are single) and tell their shame to their children.

I don't know if you can regain your suppressed dignity and become the master of the situation, but it's worth a try.
Good luck!

I would caution you on taking the advice of disowning your daughters. While they are adults and you said they knew about it without telling you, they are your children. This is traumatic for them and their response is trauma based, as well. Also, revealing your wife's affair on social media is... definitely a choice. But not one that is necessary. I'll let others chime in on that.

Totally 100% agree with Carpenter81

It’s early days although it might not feel that way.
Focus on YOU. Focus on reaching an emotional place where you feel capable with dealing with what you are facing. We don’t know enough about your situation to even imagine your daughters part in all this. It’s better in all ways for you to base your future on knowledge rather than emotions.

A good rule of thumb is to not burn the bridges behind you as you start your path to recovery. Instead, decide what gates to close as you advance.

I think she is going to leave...she says she cant handle seeing what shes done to me

she can’t handle it because she knows she caused it. Cheaters are cowards. Instead of making any of the dozens of other choices they could make if they were unhappy (talking about it with you, insisting on counseling, separating, divorcing… lots of other options), they choose the one that makes them feel the best with no consideration to how it affects or hurts others. The cowardly option.

Then when they are caught, they have to make themselves the victims b/c they can’t face their own cowardice and hurtful choices. We "joke" about the Cheaters Handbook b/c we see this so often -nearly every time - that it’s like they must all be reading from the same book.
Each cheater is unique, but their actions are all too similar to every other cheater.

I disagree with disowning your daughters, but 100% agree that you should tell them how they hurt you. They may have felt between a rock and a hard place, and who knows what your WS may have said that made them feel trapped. And a lot - A LOT - of whether reconciliation is possible from a betrayal is in how the betrayer handles themselves AFTER Dday. Do they atone for what they did? Do they work to understand how they failed you and take steps to work on their character to never do that again? Or do they continue to lie and obfuscate and deflect responsibility? This is true for the WS and I think your daughters. In a way they are collateral damage used by their mom - give them a chance to repair this rift.

As for your WS, I was also cheated on with a long term affair (LTA) after 25 years of marriage. You can survive this — you are so much stronger than you think you are. And you are valuable and loved in this world as you are and for who you are. Not because you are married to WS. This is a massive mindfuck and it broke me. Temporarily. But you can pick yourself up and move forward. And you will be amazed at how good life can be.

Please get in IC to help you through this. Call the suicide hotline any time you feel like you might do something rash. Keep posting, and get some exercise and fresh air today. Find one good thing every day - perfect cup of coffee, a sunset, the joy of dog getting belly rubs, the sound of birds in the trees. Try journaling your feelings. Writing them out really helps - do it here or in a journal. See your doctor if you are having trouble sleeping (and be honest about your mental state), and if you are having trouble eating, try protein shakes. Take care of your physical self and it will help with the emotional and psychological roller coaster.

Ive given hervuntil friday morning to make a descision....even though i think she should already know

In my time on this forum, I have rarely given straight advice. But brother, I have learned a lot from others who do.

You say you've given her until Friday to make a decision. Many here will tell you this, too, but YOU make the decision. Read up on that 180 thing they advocate here. I know you're hurting, and you love your wife. Your best chance at saving your marriage and reconciling is to make that choice yourself, right now, that you aren't going to stop her. But YOU won't stay. If she knows you are making plans to divorce, and aren't willing to share her, she MAY wake up. Otherwise, she will continue hiding things, trying to keep you AND her affair, and think you will stay no matter what. DON'T play the "pick me" game.

[This message edited by Carpenter81 at 5:18 PM, Wednesday, March 18th]

Shes gone...its over, thanks to everyone who took the time to reply and offer advice

Frankly Kris we don’t give a hoot about her.
It’s you we are concerned about.

Have you taken any of the advice offered here to heart?
Have you contacted someone or anyone that can help you?

Brother Kris, I hope you aren’t reading this instead of calling the suicide hotline. If you are, stop reading and get on the phone RIGHT NOW!

Many of us on this site know about the impulse to stop the pain but I can tell you, as someone who has been there and back, things do get better. I had young kids when I read what my wife wrote, that I was just a mistake she had made. I had always thought that no matter what happened to me, no matter how unfair life could be, no matter how many things did not go my way, that I’d still be the luckiest guy on earth because I had my wife. Then in a flash I had to cope with her unfaithfulness. It was very dark for me. The earth fell out beneath my feet. My most trusted partner was not my partner. Like you, I was too ashamed to talk to anyone about it. I had no desire to live but I had even less desire to have my kids think that I would abandon them. After a time I began to think, "Why should I sacrifice my life? I didn’t do anything wrong." Instead, I chose to recommit myself to being an honorable man, no matter what happened with my wife. I refused to let her poor character define my own. So, my advice is to get some therapy and get your strength back. Then decide if you want her. That is all that is in your power. You cannot make her want you. You probably don’t see that right now because you are in shock. A strong man recognizes when he needs help. Take the first step into the light. Call the hotline, make an appointment. You are stronger than you think. Think about this, almost without doubt, there is someone else in even worse shape than you who is right now reading the posts on this site and is too humiliated to post for themselves. Do that guy or gal a favor. Show them that there is a way forward. And let us know your progress. The veterans and the ones too scared to participate, or so shell shocked that they can’t even ask for help, are waiting to hear your progress. We in this community need you to prevail so we can all get stronger together.

but i am still very much in love with her

I mean this to HELP you, and not hurt: You were in love with an imaginary person. What you loved was unfortunately a figment of your imagination. You thought she was a loving, faithful wife. Obviously, you now know with zero doubt that’s nowhere near the truth. She’s now conclusively revealed she is categorically NOT the person you thought she was.

Focus on that. Through NO FAULT of your own, she portrayed a false image of herself. Exactly like a confidence man. You in good faith believed this false representation she put forward. The problem is 10,000% HER and NOT YOU.

PLEASE find an individual counselor NOW. You can find directories of counselors online. Look for one who specializes in trauma. YES, you have been very badly traumatized, and you are in shock. And very understandably so!

KEEP POSTING

KRIS78,

LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW BROTHER!

I called the suicide hotline for days and days, I couldn't eat, everything tasted like sawdust, I lost 40 pounds, I cried nonstop uncontrollably, I couldn't sleep, I put my 9mm pistol in my mouth multiple times, I wanted to die, I could not deal with the pain, the pain of her betrayal, the pain of a life without her, I did not want to live, I shut down, I did not go to work, I screamed, I yelled, I spoke incoherently...

But I made it through. And you will too. We are here to help you through it. Think about it. We have all been where you are. We can help you brother. Please do not do anything stupid. Lean on us. Rely on us. Post here as much as you can. I promise you, it will get better. I know you can't even begin to imagine that right now, but it will get better.

It has been 8 years since my D-day and the things that I described above. Do you know how often I think about it and her now? Hardly ever. And you would have never convinced me that would be the case 8 years ago. I would have told you that I was different and our love was special and you must not love your spouse the way that I love my wife.

But here I am. I survived. And now life is good again. Stick around man. Life will be good again for you too. But you have to be here to see that through. It is going to absolutely suck for a while, maybe even a long time. But it will gradually get better.

If you're reading, please check in. People who have read your post care about you, and we'd be relieved to read something from you.

You can get through this. The pain is horrific but temporary.

wrong post.

Redacted

Please stay safe

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:44 PM, Thursday, March 19th]

Hi Kris. Hoping that you are taking care of yourself.

Gr8fl wrote:

You were in love with an imaginary person. What you loved was unfortunately a figment of your imagination. You thought she was a loving, faithful wife. Obviously, you now know with zero doubt that’s nowhere near the truth. She’s now conclusively revealed she is categorically NOT the person you thought she was.

This I found to be so true. My WH has been deceiving me all these years, and just recently I realized that I don't even know him. The person that he is, I would not consider dating, and I am not comfortable around him. The person that I thought that I knew and loved - wasn't and isn't real. This is scary.

Nobody is worth destroying yourself over, especially someone who doesn't even care about you. Have a good cry as you need to and grieve your loss. Also, try to find something to hold onto right now, religion (if you are religious), a musical instrument, a support animal (dog, cat, etc), video games, crossword puzzles, whatever positive/constructive thing that provides some distraction from this situation for even a few moments. It helps. I've done my best house cleaning dealing with this stuff. If I was a carpenter, I probably could have built a whole house and then wondered how I did it. And, take the advice written above by the rest of us who are living (have lived) what you are now experiencing. It's really hard - and, it's supposed to be. Nobody expects you to get through this alone.

Keep posting, so we know how you are doing.

We need you to help us when we are struggling.