SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Male, 28 years together with my female partner but never married. 18 years ago discovered she had spent the previous 5 years being unfaithful with multiple ONS’s.

I tell myself/pray every day that I should forgive her, but I have never got my head around what forgiveness looks like. The fact that I’m tortured by it daily, and in turn torment her with my questions and generally giving her hard time about it, I think must mean I haven’t moved on and haven’t properly forgiven her.

She’s always maintained that she wants to stay together, and I’ve never really wanted to separate, more so since we now have two teenage kids, I can’t begin to think about dealing with the fallout for them.

But we’re both miserable and I’m now starting to think that the kindest thing I can do is leave, despite the monumental upheaval. I think if we separate then at least we don’t have to live through these emotions daily and can seek to satisfy our needs with others free of adverse thoughts of shame, embarrassment, inadequacy and guilt. Is that what forgiveness looks like? Moving on?

I agree that forgiveness is overrated People will come along and say forgiveness is for the forgiver but that is irrational to me. If you work on letting go of the resentment in therapy for example, you can have the same outcome without having to give the offender the moral guilt alleviation.

I think if you're miserable you should divorce. Perhaps the middle ground would to be agreed that you stay together on paper only and both get your needs met free from one another. Basically a sham relationship. These situations can work in complicated family situations.

Has she shown remorse? Has she given you reasons?

If no kids were present would you have left already?

Several words come up over and over again on this site that I’m not sure anyone has a precise definition for; love, reconcile, forgive.

I don’t know what "forgive" means in the infidelity context.

Here’s what Webster says(heavily redacted)

1. to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

2 b : to grant relief from payment of
//forgive a debt

So, can you cease feeling resentment? Can you just decide that you’re going to stop feeling resentment, or is that something that just has to happen on its own? I don’t know.

How about granting relief from payment? A little more to work with, here.

What does she deserve? Your anger? Consequences?

Maybe you stop being mean, even though she deserves it. Don’t out her to family and friends, the community, even though she deserves it. Don’t punish her by leaving (leaving for your sake is ok), or take revenge, even though she deserves it.

Doesn’t seem fair, does it, doing things to help her, when she is the one who should be suffering the most.

Maybe that’s why it fits the definition of "forgiveness."

I don’t know. Wiser folks will come along.

What does 'forgiveness' mean to you? What action do you take to forgive?

For me it was giving up any desire for my W to be punished or for me to gain revenge. Forgiving in that sense was a non-event for me. I just woke up one day and realized I no longer wanted my W to suffer more punishment than she had already experienced.

I benefitted from not expending energy trying to figure out how my W could be punished without adding to my pain.

If my W was going to stop doing her work because I forgave her, I doubt I would have chosen R, or if I had chosen R, I'd have ended it.

Maybe you stop being mean, even though she deserves it. Don’t out her to family and friends, the community, even though she deserves it. Don’t punish her by leaving (leaving for your sake is ok), or take revenge, even though she deserves it.

Doesn’t seem fair, does it, doing things to help her, when she is the one who should be suffering the most.

Maybe that’s why it fits the definition of "forgiveness."

I don’t know. Wiser folks will come along.

I haven't done any of those things and never would. In fact I've never told a soul in 18 years and don't intend to. But as for forgiveness, I just can't 'enjoy' her, and being with her is becoming increasingly frustrating and painful for us both. Leaving for my sake will be painful, but I am so sure she will be free of me and happier without me in the long term.

I agree that forgiveness is overrated People will come along and say forgiveness is for the forgiver but that is irrational to me. If you work on letting go of the resentment in therapy for example, you can have the same outcome without having to give the offender the moral guilt alleviation.

I agree. Maybe it's just a semantic argument, but the work and the healing I have done are for me. I don't stew in anger and resentment. I don't pick fights or throw his cheating in his face. I am maintaining peace for myself. But I cannot go a step further and call it forgiveness or give him that moral guilt alleviation. That would be counterproductive for me and my healing. It's on him to do the work to process and live with the guilt, just as it is on me to process and move forward through the pain and humiliation.

Moving on from the resentment doesn't mean that a BS is rolling over and telling the WS that what they did is okay. It doesn't mean that everything goes back to pre cheating circumstances. I have boundaries that are healthy and healing for me. I will never wear my original rings again, ever. Anniversaries are now low key events, and a this point I will not agree to a big celebration for the next big milestone. It's that balance of moving forward and working with relationship you have while and having parameters in place that you can live with.

DrSooler

People will come along and say forgiveness is for the forgiver but that is irrational to me.

I know people who still bear a grudge against people who are dead. Or against people who have zero clue that someone is busy not-forgiving them. The guy who cut you off on the highway. Math teacher from 11th grade. Is that rational? If forgiving wouldn’t help you, who would it help?

WGOI, not-forgiving is as much an act as is forgiving. They both take work. You are continually bringing it up in your mind and generating the thoughts and emotions. You are daily spending time anti-forgiving.

What if you just aspired to do neither?