SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Guess its going to get harder before it gets easier.

First post. Let me know if I'm doing / saying anything wrong. Still unsure of the decorum here. Every single trigger warning applies. Proceed at your own risk.

DDay, June 2016 or 2017, can't remember. This was strike 2. First was 2001 with the same person. Great.

I don't know how to say or ask or share. Do I write the entire life story? Synopsis of events? Highlights?

Strike 2 was the death blow. Said she went to lunch with this old friend and then he r*p*d her. Felt bad about it and took a lot of medicine and didn't want to wake up. Which is the event that "woke me up". She was drousy, asleep for a good 2 days. Guess it didnt work for her.

After the DDay and some hard days, I confronted her to say she was lying and it was infidelity and to leave the house. Stopped her on the way out to say that this problem was between us and for her not to do anything to hurt our kids (middle school & elementary school at the time).

Following a text about splitting her ashes into 2 urns and giving one to each kid and not answering her phone, local authorities were contacted. Last ping from the cell phone showed a local hotel in which she was found unresponsive with an empty bottle of meds close by. Luckily there is an emergency room directly across from the street. Soon transferred to the ICU at the larger hospital in Loudoun.

It should be known that she is narcissistic (unsure of type), has borderline personality disorder (from what I've read, not an official diagnosis). She's the person who gets mad at YOU for being mad at her. This is the theme of our entire relationship.

Not a lets go to therapy type of person since she's fearful of being found out or having to come clean. Cannot, will not take responsibility. Also, absolutely no empathy.

For reasons of family, children, finances, her future un-aliving attempts, I decided to work on it. Call me a chicken, fearful, co-dependent, what ever. I didn't have any guidance, friend to talk to and therapy became expensive very quickly.

So here we are after almost 10 years.

I'm still fearful of her offing herself. Also don't trust she will not blow the money if we sell the house and split up. I'd like our kids to have something when we are gone.

Have had many conversations about fixing things and specific things to do but it all fizzles out very quickly. What ever I say keeps fueling her anger, rage etc.

She doesn't want to leave the house (fears abandonment, stemming from early childhood issues probably but what do I know?). If I do, who will take care of the 3 dogs, yardwork, grass, weeds, lawn, trash, cleaning dog hair off the floors, vacuuming. My exercise equipment is in the garage as are my project cars.

We cant afford the expense of a rent payment as well as trying to handle existing debt, mortgage etc.

I'm numb, alone (no friends who I can share with or even co-workers) and I have mood swings where I feel angry with my self / her and the situation or feel sorry for her like I hurt one of my dogs for no reason. How can I get mad at or fault someone who is deeply troubled and broken from childhood (toxic household, not much of a fatherly presence, lots of issues from her moms side as well). I have asked her for a divorce. I know she is hurting. I've seen her in pain / sadness and specifically the pain that a child's mind experiences not knowing what they did wrong or why some one hurt them to this extent. Deep deep pain, unable to breathe ugly cry pain. But it wasn't for being empathic towards me. I'd had never seen that level of sadness, pain, fright in a human. Not only that, I had caused it in her mind. This is what upsets me the most. That I'm hurting a child. An undeveloped mind. Its still the same for her though. Even at the age she is, the time that's passed, the conversations we've had, I'm still the bad guy and she's the victim. Its her who is always under attack and has to be nervous around me. Still the same as of this morning when I told her we cannot continue like this.

On the bright side, I'm in the best shape of my life physically at 51 years of age. Diet is somewhat healthy, no alcohol, drugs, tobacco use, no RX med misuse. Have 2 healthy kids who are doing well in their lives, 3 dogs who love us unconditionally and a couple affordable car projects that frequently test my patience.

So here we are. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
What is the way out of this? How can we continue? What else can I / we try?

Thanks for the support in this community. Wish I found it sooner.

I hope venting about it some is a step in the right direction, however it turns out.

No reason to stay if she can’t or will not own the pain she caused you.

If she is stuck in victim mode, you got nothing to work with.

She either gets on board with your something needs to change ultimatum or you move on.

You’ve listed all the things she will not do, so I think you already have your answer.

If she doesn’t see you are about done, not much else you can do.

A decade of Hell to keep your family together, no need to sacrifice whatever days you have left.

I suppose you could ask her why she is still there (beyond any clinical abandonment issues she may or may not have).

Welcome to SI and sorry for the pain you've experienced through infidelity. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a ton of resources.

Unfortunately, you can't control what your WW (wayward wife) does. You can control you, and it sounds like you need to take steps to have a healthy future for you and your children.

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

All those memes about life not being fair etc, control what you can control etc... guess that's real life.

We've seen some shit and been through some shit so time to get out of the shit.

I'm grateful for this website and its members. It took a lot of effort mentally to type this out, as a man that is supposed to be strong. Now I realize the "being strong" is more to do with letting go rather than fighting it.

We all have unique situations and we'll have to do what feels best. What I've learnt is that you cant change people unless they want to change themselves. Until then they will continue to be selfish.

"Dont know what you've got till its gone"

Kids are older now, entering last year of college & high school so whatever shakes ups / changes are coming soon wont phase them as much. I could be wrong. But they've seen and heard enough throughout the years to be effected unfortunately.

On day at a time, one step at a time in the right direction. We'll get past this.

Now I realize the "being strong" is more to do with letting go rather than fighting it.

You kept things together for your kids — that’s far stronger than most.

Even if they have seen some of the unique devastation of infidelity wear you down on some days or months or years, they have to know you hung in there for them.

And anger has been a big part of my healing — whether we stay or go, it is key to vent that stuff out, and then let it go. Fighting the unfairness only gets us so far, but it is a righteous, hard earned anger. Hard earned depression, hard earned life.

The mistake too many of us make is to try and bury it.

Process it all first in order to properly let it go.

And then take a moment to reflect on how much strength it took for you to get this far.

You can’t protect your wife from herself forever, at some point, you got to protect you.