Me: 56yo former BW, happily divorced, no kids

Him: Deleted

10 years since D-Day

It's been exactly 10 years since D-Day for me. A whole decade has passed since the day I discovered my (now ex) husband's LTA. On D-Day, my whole life dissolved in less than a minute. On that day, by pure chance, I stumbled across a thread of sweet, filthy DMs between him and his mistress — a message thread that went back 5+ years — and those messages absolutely destroyed me. When I saw the things they had been saying to each other, I thought I was gonna die. I kinda wanted to die. I fell into a black hole of swirling misery and thought I would never be able to crawl back out.

But you know what? Here I am. Back on top of life in every way.

I confronted him with what I had found, and I gave him 2 whole years to make things right with me, but he never did. Let me say: 2 years was about 18 months too long. My advice: If you're dealing with an unrepentant cheater, do NOT give them 2 years to make up their mind. 6 months ought to be long enough for a cheater to figure out how to apologize and own up to their shit.

I wish I had not married him, and I wish I had filed for divorce sooner after I discovered his affair, but other than that, I have no regrets. I don't regret loving him as fiercely as I did, because I know my love was real. And I don't regret divorcing him, because I know he took my love for granted and he was never sorry for hurting me the way he did.

Life on the other side of infidelity has been a miracle. I love my life now. It's so much better. Truly. I know every marriage is different and there's no one rule that applies to everybody, but I will say this: If you're stuck with an unremorseful cheater, don't be afraid to walk away. Divorcing that person could turn out to be the best thing you ever do.

Wishing peace, hope & love for you all,
Ashes

8 comments posted: Tuesday, September 8th, 2026

9 years out

Nine years ago today, I discovered my husband's long-term affair. I thought I was going to die. It was, without a doubt, the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I thought I'd never recover. But I did. I survived it, I healed, and I feel fine now. I like myself and I like my life. I'm grateful every day for the freedom and peace of mind that divorce has given me. I wouldn't say I'm grateful for the experience of being betrayed, but I did get something valuable from the experience: I learned compassion. I'm a kinder, gentler person post-betrayal, because I now understand that anyone I cross paths with could be going through some horror that I don't know about.

SI was my rock in the early days. I can't say enough good things about this site. So, in the spirit of giving back, I want to share a bit of insight, a few words of advice for the newly betrayed.

Herewith, Ashes of Kali's top 3 tactics for healing from betrayal:

1. Put divorce on the table as an option immediately. I don't mean you need to get divorced immediately. I mean you need to tell yourself and your cheater that it's an option. I didn't want to consider divorce because I was afraid of being alone. As soon as I found out about my xWH's affair, I told him I wanted us to try to work things out. That gave him the opportunity to get comfortable. He figured if I was desperate to stay married to him, he didn't need to change anything and he could just carry on as-is until I got over it. He was right about that – for a while, anyway.

2. Put a deadline on the reconciliation attempt. Really ask yourself: How long are you willing to endure this if nothing changes? Is it 3 months or 6 months or a year? You decide. I didn't put a deadline on it; I left it open-ended, and I really wish I hadn't done that. I stuck with it for 2 solid years, waiting for him to take responsibility, but he never did. He never even apologized in all that time. He just watched me suffer and told me to get over it. That's 2 years of my life that I spent enduring unnecessary suffering, when I could've been healing instead. Two years of my life I'll never get back.

3. Take time off work if you can. Early on, somebody suggested to me that I should take time off. I scoffed at the notion because I had some twisted need to prove how tough I am. Fuck being tough. When you've been hurt that bad, you need time to heal. I was so distracted by my pain that my work suffered immensely. It nearly ended my career. If I had taken a vacation or a leave of absence, I would've healed faster and I would be better off in my career than I am now.

That's all the advice I have for today. I might be back later with more to say, or I might not. For sure, the one thing I want to say to all betrayed folks is this: Love yourself. Be kind to yourself and know that you don't deserve this pain. You will survive it, you will heal. Hang in there. Don't ever give up. You're gonna make it.
With love,
Ashes

12 comments posted: Monday, September 8th, 2025