Well this sucks

So brief synopsis- married now 25 years. WH cheated off random hook ups on Craigslist 12 years ago, beginning when I was pregnant with our second child (now age 14)- They were BDSM hook ups and there were 3 different women, prolly a total of 8 times. I caught him and the usual trickle truth ensued. He never wrote a formal timeline but did answer all of my questions. He lacks insight.

I did a post nupt, but let him out of it because they aren’t generally enforceable and I’m not an asshole. He’s been a stay at home for our children for 16 years now. I’m a physician and he was moderately supportive of my career.

Over the past two years, things with our 16 year old were awful- he dropped out of high school and had some pretty terrible outbursts (think ER admit for psych, punching holes in walls, etc.).

I have stabilized our 16 year old. He had struggles woth borderline personality and had gotten much better with high level intense interventions. And when that shit show got better, I realized that we rug swept and never really fixed anything. So here I am.

WH had a counselor, several actually, that he has seen over the past few years. One of them went as far as to tell my WH to just give me what I wanted, like what I was asking for. Which frankly isn’t much. I’m an emotional cactus. Just don’t scorch the earth with me, and I’m usually ok and will survive.

All along, I’ve just wanted validation and dates and vacations (which I pay for). He has a tendency to promise something and then forget or back out, blaming his ADHD. Sex has been shitty, I haven’t had an orgasm with him in the same room for over eight years. The last time I did, he said he "Gave me some sugar in my coffee last night, baby." Or some bullshit like that that just made me feel gross and unloved.

We went to a marriage counselor and the marriage counselor commented that he has a high level of functioning, but he falls off with shitty communication (or NO communication) and he "forgets" things he plans to do with me that don’t make sense (implying it’s not forgetting). The MC also said that there is a reason he keeps forgetting stuff with me, and it doesn’t make sense because he functions at all high level other times. And the MC gave me a pointed stare. I then interjected, "Yes, this is why I think he doesn’t want to be with me." And MC said "hmmm maybe."

Over the past few months, it has hit me that he never says anything validating to me, that I always self soothe, and that he hasn’t been there for me really ever. He decimated my relationship with my mother (she is crazy, but he let her escalate him, resulting in him kicking her out of our house one time she was staying with us to visit). He almost fucked it up with my 16 year old, purposefully escalating things with him, as well.

I made him take a DBT class with my teenager because they both suck at validation and prolly struggle with some Borderline issues. My WH was molested by his sister as a kid.

So, it hit me that we rugswept. And now- I’ve been holding his feet to the fire. I think I want a divorce. I’m pretty sure this isn’t recoverable.

The guilt is awful, I simultaneously miss him and am so fucking glad this might be over soon.

Last night I asked him to say something validating to me. He couldn’t. I said I’m done. And now I’m here.

This sucks. I want this pain to go away, so I’m posting here. There is nothing to do for me, I just know I need to end it. He’s been "trying to fix things" but his effort sucks and his insight sucks even worse.

I fantasize about him dying because it would make it easier. And yet I’m still hurting and feeling guilty. I know in my heart he doesn’t love me, or if he does, it’s so fucking dysfunctional.

It just hurts. I feel so guilty like I should have tried harder. I should have sucked it up more than I did. I should have been less needy.

I swear I’m never dating anyone ever again. I’m done.

This sucks.

Thanks for listening. I’m posting here so I don’t call him crying. I know it’s best to divorce it just hurts. And I feel like a failure.

6 comments posted: Thursday, July 31st, 2025

Quiet quitting my marriage

Well, I think I’m there. It’s been 11 years since Dday. He never gave me a written time line (enter in all the excuses here), he made lots of promises about better behavior that never really consistently manifested.

His affairs were random hook ups on Craigslist (3 women, he sought out men too but said he never met up with them).

I was trying to make it work, but some things happened that changed my mind.

I’m a physician and I worked a 36 hour shift and got killed. I called him about 30 hours in, talked to him about how I really needed to just go to bed when I got home…. He then decided to wash the sheets for the first time in a month and forgot to make the bed. So I came home so tired I couldn’t even make the bed. And then he wouldn’t get the fuck out of my way while I made the bed so I could go to sleep….

The second thing- he has a benign but growing chest tumor that needs treatment. Our huge dog jumped on his chest and a look crossed his face that suggested he was going to hurt the dog. Childhood trauma victim, here. So that look disgusted me. I stopped mid word, and left the room. He then followed me and got very defensive, saying I prolly thought he was going to attack the dog.

I just looked at him and said I don’t want to be around a man who looks like that when he is angry.

Sex has been terrible for years (I havent had an orgasm with him in the same room with me in prolly eight years?). He keeps insisting he’s a nice guy.

So he’s a stay at home dad, the kids are teens now. He cannot be rehabbed into work because he has poor social skills, and I’m stuck with legal alimony for the rest of my life (25 yrs married).

I told him today that I’m not going to divorce him because he has this tumor that he needs chemo for, but that I’m quitting. I’m not doing any more work for him. I gave examples of the labor I do which goes unseen. He maybe sees it, but I’m so done at this time, I just need to stop.

I don’t want to date anyone ever again, but I don’t want the work involved with him, either. I saw this reel that was a man saying, "Men- you are not competing against other men for you woman. You’re competing against the peace she feels when she’s alone."

And that’s exactly it.

I told him we can remain married for logistics and insurance, but he has his freedoms to do whatever. I don’t care. I just won’t be doing the work anymore.

I can’t support two households and send the kids to the schools they want (my 14 yr old is MIT material, and my 16 yr old wants a private culinary school). And I can’t work 24 hour shifts and keep my kids at home with me.

But I’m done doing free work for him. I just can’t anymore.

Nothing to say, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. Boom. I’m done.

And for the first time, I feel sort of peaceful.

31 comments posted: Wednesday, April 23rd, 2025

Random question

This is a random thought exercise.

Artificial Intelligence exists, and I keep seeing this weird FB post about getting an AI boyfriend. I assume from the post that this is all a "relationship" via texts.

Ever watched the movie "Her"?

Is an AI partner cheating?

I’m not contemplating it, just random thought. I feel like it would be!

8 comments posted: Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

My sister is marrying a wayward man. What do I give them for a wedding present? It is their sixth collective wedding. (moved to

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Friday, February 3rd, 2023