SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been 10 weeks since D day (just counted and wow I can’t believe it’s been that much time). Most of the time I am 90% sure I want to end the relationship. Rather - I’m 90% sure that it’s not working for me and that he’s not going to make any changes to himself. Yes he is not actively cheating right now - but he also did not go to IC or quit smoking/ drinking as I requested for our terms of continuing the relationship. We have not done anything physical - no kisses or intimacy etc since that day. We are living uncomfortably (for me) in the same space , sharing the same bed. He is being really nice to me. It’s hard because it reminds me of the person I like and that I fell in love with. However, to me it’s like rug sweeping. I know I’m not willing to go through another d day with him. Logically I want to move on. It’s like my heart hasn’t caught up. Nothing is fine but we are pretending everything is fine every day. But when I think about saying "you should leave we should break up" the words get caught in my throat. Idk what’s holding me back ? I can’t find my anger … it’s like, I forgive him. I don’t feel any bad feelings toward him right now. Which is probably what made it easy for him to cheat on me in the first place. He cheated on me before and instead of getting real consequence , it’s like he knew he could do it again because the boundary had moved. I want to love myself so fiercely that I don’t accept this happening to me. Why do I feel bad about hurting him ? It feels ridiculous even to me. But it’s how I feel. I am realizing how much of a care taker personality I have been taking on with him. (He’s a capable and healthy adult). I feel some sense of responsibility to him. It’s like , but what did he ever really do for me? Will I just wake up one day and be able to say "ok let’s break up"? Why is it so hard ? Help ! It’s exhausting me , I realize I am grinding my teeth with anxiety throughout the day. How can I lessen my anxiety about this, know for sure it’s the right choice, and make it easier on myself ?

Leaving is the most sensible choice because it is true that’s cheater could change, but this is only possible if the person truly wants to.

Many just pretend to but never intend to change.

Leaving drops the risk of being fooled more by lies, deception, abuse.

There is a flip, if you love this person or loved them, isn’t as easy as we thought it to be.

What you need is to heal yourself in the first place.
Let go of the outcomes. Put yourself first. You don’t have to rush a decision.

When you regained your center you get clarity, then the choice will be easier.

I cam tell you that when I took real steps toward divorce is when my wife got real about fixing what she'd broken. That was almost a year and a half ago and she's still doing everything she can to stay married to me.

She wasn't like that for the first month after d day tho. Trickle truth, lies, and insisting on keeping contact with her AP. I finally had enough and started calling divorce lawyers right in front of her. That moment changed everything.

It wasn't a threat. I was serious and she knew it. I was resigned that things weren't going to get better and decided divorce was better than living in infidelity.

You say he cheated on you before? So this isn't the first time? Maybe a dose of reality will snap him out of it. Of not, then why would you want to remain married to him anyway? If nothing changes, then nothing will change. If you do go that route, don't back out or change your mind unless he seriously toes the line.

I think right now he's just waiting for you to let it blow over then return to the status quo.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:20 AM, Sunday, October 25th]

I tell people I don’t have answers. I can share my experience. I always say everyone is different and your mileage may vary. But that said, I deeply regret every minute of my life I spent with someone who did not enthusiastically choose me.

While I absolutely do not recommend hysterical bonding. (Been there done that and got the t-shirt and the unfortunate experience of having to get extensively std tested when more of the sorid trickle truth came out.). Your current experience is one I can relate to.

Looking back I realize I lived a non consensual life in so many ways. He took away my agency.

First he opened the marriage without my consent or knowledge. Then many times I was in a nonconsensual ace life style while exwh was focusing his sexual energy into other nonmarital chanels. It was deeply disrespectful of him and since I was honoring sexually exclusive part of my marriage vows, I was constantly the begger in that relationship.

Every relationship is different. But this was another way he controlled the script to his advantage. I read or heard something that stuck in my mind. Paraphrased, it is that they who want a relationship more "win" (have the advantage). It evens out when both people are invested. When dealing with unrepentant waywards, not.

Everyone makes different choices. No judgement and no one size fits all right answers. Just me sharing my experience and hopefully strength and hope.

I walked away when I woke up from my betrayed fog and realized that this is a big wide beautiful world full of billions of people. Probably more than a million of whom are not married and in my general age and gender and sexual and lifestyle preference and not cheaters. In other words I could do a lot better than wasting my life energy on trying to convince an unrepentant cheater to pick me. So I personally did.

I wish you much peace and healing.

Logically I want to move on. It’s like my heart hasn’t caught up. Nothing is fine but we are pretending everything is fine every day. But when I think about saying "you should leave we should break up" the words get caught in my throat.

Leeleelu, it's only been 10 weeks. I know that feels like a really long time (every day after dday is an eternity unto itself), but in terms of infidelity recovery, you're in the very early stages still.

Love and attachment are not switches that turn off when someone hurts us. It's not easy to let go even if we logically know that's the healthiest choice for ourself. Right now, you're emerging from shock and dealing with pain and healing. The wound is still bleeding - just more slowly than it was 10 weeks ago. It's far from closed over.

Will I just wake up one day and be able to say "ok let’s break up"? Why is it so hard ? Help ! It’s exhausting me , I realize I am grinding my teeth with anxiety throughout the day. How can I lessen my anxiety about this, know for sure it’s the right choice, and make it easier on myself ?

A few things helped me with the anxiety:

1. No decision is permanent. If you leave him, you can always get back together with him at some point, assuming he's proven to have changed for the better.

2. There are other people out there who have never cheated on a partner and probably never would.

3. There is no "right" choice in situations like these. There's only what you want for yourself and your future.

Unfortunately, there's no crystal ball to tell you that he'll never cheat again or that another guy you're with won't cheat on you. The only way to avoid that gamble is to stay single, but at least a new partner won't have hurt you in the past.

I forget who said it, but people here talk about getting your heart, head, and gut in alignment. Your head (the logical part) thinks right now that ending the relationship is probably the best choice for you. Your heart (the loving part) is still deeply connected to your cheating partner. Your gut (your subconscious/instinct) is confused, hurt, and terrified of the unknown.

It will take a while - perhaps a year or two, and far longer than you want - before all three get to a place where yes, you will "know" or at least feel a lot more sure of your decision. If leaving is the best choice, your heart will eventually detach and feel much less loving, and your gut will feel at peace whenever he isn't around. If staying ends up being right, your head will eventually tell you that he's done the work, and your gut will feel at peace when you're around him.