I want to go ahead and thank any responses before I get started. I really appreciate it. Like many in the group I've kept my wife's affair a secret (for now) to protect her and give us a chance to mend what we have before we have our families at war. I had a few questions but here is a quick rundown of my situation.
Spouse of over 15 years has been in emotional affair for about a year. Not physical as far as I know. I'm the sole provider. We have several young kids. I confronted her with evidence months ago when I found out. She is still in contact daily with AP. No remorse, has blame shifted the affair completely on me... particularly for checking her phone when I suspected she was cheating. Re-writing our past. We are still living together with the kids but basically treating each other roommates. I think she secretly wants me to be so miserable I file for divorce first so she doesn't look like a villain. It's been pretty terrible.
A few questions for the community:
I'm considering writing her a letter (since talking leads to heated accusations from her). The letter would be an olive branch sort of thing giving her yet another opportunity to try and save our marriage. Is there ANYTHING I can write in the letter that might sway her put of affair fog? Any wayward wives care to comment? Or husband's that had success? If I do write it ...what are some pitfalls to avoid (accepting blame for the affair, being accusatory, etc...)
Particular example: I hurt her feelings in a situation while she was in the affair (I didn't know at the time). Would apologizing for that scenario only validate her affair feelings?
I'm under the impression that building somewhat pleasant interactions for now is the least damaging approach while I weather the storm of the affair. Am I being dumb for not turning up the heat and just filing myself? We have kids and I genuinely think she's in affair fog and not thinking clearly.
I understand she's probably scared, angry, ashamed and feels trapped in a lose-lose situation. Any wayward spouses have a posture I could take or ANYTHING I can say that would be taken as a positive pull to save the relationship? I just feel like both of us have dug in our heals waiting for the other to break. Unfortunately if/when I break, she's going to get exactly what she wants. 50% of everything, probably the house with the kids, plus a new guy ready to move right in and replace me.
Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond! I'd kindly ask that you please mention your perspective (betrayed or wayard) so I can understand the context.
