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It has been a while. I needed to take a break. Things have been so much better. I think mostly because I feel healed myself. I am someone who doesn’t dwell too much on feeling down and I get on with things. I was bored of feeling miserable and having arguments in front of the children was having an awful impact on them. I am going out with friends more and focusing on my job.

I think where I am struggling is that my husband, acts like the victim in all of this. He often gets triggered and reminds me

Of things I did in reaction to me finding out. I will occasionally make a snidy comment but I am trying hard to let it go. However, my bringing up the affair is usually a reaction to him, like, he will get really upset that my family don’t really speak to him anymore and he will blame me for this as he feels I really bad mouthed him (which I did) and I didn’t do enough to rehabilitate him to them. I then point out that I found messages to his ap only 8 months ago so rehabilitating him is hard, and his response was to say I should have kept my mouth shut (I am an open book where he is very private.

He also still drinks a lot and recently he has fallen out with his family badly. He feels they took my side and he recently sent some really horrible message to them while drunk.

We both don’t trust each other. Even though I feel it in my gut that, the relationship between him and her is finally dead. I guess my question, is do I need to let this go, this checking if the phone? I maybe do it every few months, I am not sure it is healthy. My husband wants my password and says it isn’t fair that I know his but he doesn’t know mine. If he gets an opportunity, I find he goes through everything, my search history l, all my private message switch friends, where a si tend to look, to see if he is contacting her or not.

My husband isn’t a bad person, he is overwhelmed by shame and recently he has been so apologetic and I think sending those messages to his family was a real wake up call to him and to his family who buried their heads in the sand. They have made some very strong comments to him recently which he is hearing and he is recognising he needs outside help. He also knows that he doesn’t have may people in his life and fears losing me.

[This message edited by Lemonpie at 7:14 AM, Tuesday, December 16th]

So sorry that you're struggling.

Your H is not the victim.

Sending hugs and strength.

I'm really really sorry but...you got "bored" of exposing your kids to adult arguments and a miserable mother, so your solution is to spend less time at home while leaving the children with an active alcoholic????? This is "so much better"????

How much drinking? Alcoholic level? Every day? Passing out?

He isn’t an alcoholic, and I don’t leave him with the kids, I go out when they are out school, go for a run. The children adore him.
He has a really stressful job and manages that really well. He drinks a bottle of wine a day and if really triggered by the above will drink more. He is fine after one bottle, he has built a tolerance to it and is from a country where this is normal to drink this so his family didn’t think much of it before. I think the issue is when he uses it as a way to cope with his feelings and I guess my reason for posting is, even though he is the one that cheated he seems to be struggling more than me to cope with his actions. I struggle with declaring my undying love to him and I probably never will but overall I am ok.

I am so sorry you are struggling. However you are the victim here, not the cheater.

You have multiple issues going on here. First his drinking is a problem. Second his attitude is a problem. Third, his behavior (drunk messaging people) is a problem.

And fourth, your being blamed for the situation/fall out from his affair by the cheater is a problem.

Sooo……the obvious solution is counseling. Counseling for you (alone and apart from the cheater) AND separate counseling for the cheater.

Whether the cheater goes or not, you should go. You need support and advice and direction. Find someone experienced in betrayal /affair trauma.

Clearly your H thinks he can control all of this. Well guess what — he’s no longer ruling the kingdom. Often cheaters want to control things after Dday (discovery day) because they are under the impression that they can. However often they have lost that power but will fight mightily hard to keep that control.

Nothing will change in your marriage if you don’t change. That means stop accepting the cheater’s excuses for the affair, start holding them accountable AND do not allow the cheater to dictate the rules of the marriage and how things will work post Dday.

Your marriage is on shaky ground. Trust is not restored. Therefore you have to act accordingly and protect yourself and kids. Hold your ground. Do not give in to the cheater’s demands. You will regret it in the long run.

That’s my shared experience with the aftermath of affair2 and dday2. Nothing changed until I changed.

drinking ~4 servings every day

drinking more because you had a problem with your job or family

drinking to cope with your feelings

Those are all symptoms of alcoholism. You're staying in a seriously risky situation and keeping your kids in it. If he's not an alcoholic, safe and adored with the kids, why is your defense that you don't leave them with him?

I've said this to you before: I know I'm being harsh but you are running out of time to be the person to recognize the problem and make a change for yourself and your children on your own terms. If social services get involved again, you will not get the benefit of the doubt you had before. Things will change on the government's terms and it won't be what you would have wanted. Failure. To. Protect.

He drinks a bottle of wine a day and if really triggered by the above will drink more.

This is alcoholism. Check out Alcoholics Anonymous' website. This is part of his victim mentality.

The 5th problem - and the only one you can do something about - is that you're accepting your H's behavior. Among other things, it's especially in a stressful job that it's important to maximize one's strengths - and numbing himself with alcohol is the opposite of that.

You are saying he's an alcoholic and that you're covering for him. That's not good for either you or your H or your kids. Your H will not stop betraying you - and he betrays you with each drink - until you take action to protect yourself.

If you're not actively planning to extricate yourself from your sitch, please find an Alanon group ASAP - today, if possible.

Clause Steiner's Games Alcoholic Play might be a good read for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:26 PM, Tuesday, December 16th]

I guess my question, is do I need to let this go, this checking if the phone?

Since checking his phone has never stopped him from cheating on you and communicating with the OW, and you already know everything you need to know to make a decision about this marriage, then yes, I think you should stop checking his phone. You have no intention of leaving him... that much is clear. So stop poking the bear.

I noticed that you edited your original post to delete all the information about your WH's falling out with his sister over a torrent of vicious messages he sent her pertaining to his infidelity, and that his mother told you that she thinks his behavior is abusive. I suspect that you removed this information from your post because it validates what everyone has saying since you signed up to SI.

You can dismiss our opinions because we're strangers on the Internet... but when the people who know and love him best think he's abusive and are cutting him out of their lives, your insistence that he isn't abusive and is just a sweet, loving guy who is having trouble wrestling his demons becomes much harder to justify.

He isn’t an alcoholic, and I don’t leave him with the kids, I go out when they are out school, go for a run. The children adore him.

If you your husband isn't an alcoholic, then why mention his drinking in literally every single post? Were you bringing up his drinking because you want to believe that alcohol is an external force that you can blame for your husband's behavior?

Are you now insisting he isn't an alcoholic because commentators are saying-- rightly so-- that his drinking makes him a danger to you and the kids? And if he's not a danger to the kids, then why can't you leave them alone with him?

I don't doubt that your kids love him; he is their father, after all. But when children feel safe with a parent, they tend to argue with and push back on the parent from time to time in order to get their way because they don't fear their parent's wrath.

If your kids aren't doing that, then I suspect that what you see as "adoration" is the children placating their father and walking on eggshells around him in order to shield themselves from his rages. They've learned that no one is going to protect them from him... not unless, as torso1500 said, the state gets involved again.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:08 PM, Tuesday, December 16th]

Fair.

What's fair is maybe stoning to death for adultery.

So maybe he shouldn't complain about whatever guardrails you need to put in to feel safe to give him a second chance.

There is not a two way street on electronic transparency because you need to be safe to explore divorce, get support while complaining about your cheating spouse, etc. If a typically emotionally abusive cheater has access to that kind of information, they will weaponize it.

So no, it's not fair. That's fine.

He is an alcoholic and you are enabling him. Look into codependency. It's very common with people in relationship with addicts.