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[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 12:49 PM, Friday, March 20th]

Hi Tiny-

This is good insight, and often when we learn what our patterns are or how we are holding onto things that don’t serve us, change becomes easier. Self awareness is nothing to fear, yet I think many of us do.

Yes the consequences of our actions are hard to manage. And our relationship with ourselves gets reflected in our relationships with others. You resent yourself for doing this to yourself but I think you are spilling that resentment on your wife. I think it’s also painful when we know we have failed them and ourselves and it’s difficult to move past those feelings because our ego doesn’t want to admit "weakness". It’s not weakness, but that’s how the ego interprets it/

We sometimes want to knock down those around us because their goodness reminds us of what we are not. It’s easier to blame others and we resent them for their lack of agreement.

So the good news is reaching a realization is the hard part because it’s hard to see ourselves clearly. All you need to do from here is as you do it, you need to be aware of it and change the thought.

Our thoughts guide our emotions and behavior, so if you can become mindful over what it is you are thinking you can have a little talk with yourself. Before long you will find that it’s more automatic.

I also think being proactive and succeeding will start a seed of hope that can grow if it’s nurtured. The way things are now your wife and you are feeling hopeless. You need to start picturing how you want life to be and align yourself with that. I also think therapy is helpful.

The power of now by Eckhardt Tolle helped me change the way I think, and helped me to realize how unreliable thoughts can be. We are not our thoughts, yet a ws I mentioned they build us in almost every single way.

Loss means you had something worth having. Time to get out of your way and feel like you are worth having it again, this time more intelligently.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:45 PM, Tuesday, September 10th]

This is a great post. Thank you for sharing it. I know that feeling of loss all too well. Loss of trust and personal integrity, especially.

Those early days were truly a tightrope walk. Trying to balance showing empathy and remorse toward my BW while trying to make myself heard, plus dealing with my own crap, wondering how I managed to fuck everything up so completely.

This was where my therapist was invaluable. I saw him once a week in the early going and he became my sounding board, no matter how crazy it was. It was a safe space for me to vent while he gave tough love. That tough love enabled me to change my thoughts, as Hiking Out put it.

My biggest struggle was cutting out the negative self-talk. "Im a piece of shit" was my mantra, even before cheating, and was like Spinal Tap turn-it-up-to-11 after. I was able to turn that corner in IC by exploring the ways I was hurt as a kid and how I was continuing to punish myself for things that weren't my fault. It helped me eventually learn to forgive, NOT excuse, myself for the absolute shit mess I made by cheating. Being able to do that broke down so many other interior barriers.

I think a professional's touch would really help you.

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[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 12:49 PM, Friday, March 20th]

Oh- I haven’t listened to the audio version. If it’s Tolle himself, I get it ;-)

It sounds like you have the desire and you are working to connect the dots. Let us know how it goes. I am rooting for you to become the man this woman deserves. She has truly endured so much. Make it worth it, every day.

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[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 12:49 PM, Friday, March 20th]

Hi Tiny,

I once read on here that these realisations "just happen". I read a lot and listened a lot but did not truly take much to heart. As I've said previously, I found ways to differentiate myself from other posters. "I'm not like X as he did Y, so that does not apply to me". Weirdly, it is kinda true. I needed to go through and inflict a lot of trauma before I finally thought "Give it up, you're just causing too much hurt. Just stop and reset and lose the defensive bullshit". In a way, I let it happen rather than it happening, I needed to make a choice, one that I had previously been so far inside my own woe that I failed to make.

I too said things similar to yourself. Promised to "check my anger at the door", not be defensive, be less reactive....The list goes on. Yet, as soon as things got tough for me, I reverted back to old ways. I was harbouring anger and selfishness. You say you felt loss. I think I did too, despite denials. I felt loss for me being "the good guy" even if this was a self impression. I felt I was being forced to acknowledge my behaviour and I did not like this. I missed living in my own world of justification and denial. I felt upset at the loss of respect from my BS and in time self respect. I was angry at BS for not trusting me or believing me in those rare times I actually told the truth. I felt loss for the man I convinced myself I was.

I hid behind not missing APs or unsafe friends. I told myself I was not feeling any loss for the old me. While true, I do not miss the old me, I did miss the old me I lied to myself about and more importantly I missed my BS believing this too. It is incredibly hard work rebuilding any trust, I sometime doubt I will ever get there and this hurts. The change needed is to move this hurt away from resentment and anger into motivation. Additionally, I feel I just hid from any emotion (other than anger and resentment). This allowed me to shut people out without care. Of course this included BS and healthy people as well as the people I needed to lose from my life. With the benefit of hindsight, I did not shut out anyone as I worked with an AP for six months, stayed in contact with unsafe people for at least 18 months and have unresolved issues with members of my family.

I am a member of another community a mens group if you like, I was involved in a discussion on mens emotional intelligence and how to lose or deal with intrusive thoughts. One guy said you just need to "give up". This was initially greeted with WFT!?!? However, he continued to explain. You need to "give up" all the past beliefs, everything that is holding you back from better choices, give up the triggers for spiralling. Own your past and let that drive you forward.

I'm at the start of my journey now. I have more work to do to find the real me. Recent events in our life have brought BS and I closer. I showed emotion and did not hold back on it (not anger but pain and anguish) I'm starting to see what I was being told years ago. I struggle to put into words the frustration I feel being in my early 50s and only just seeing and feeling emotions in a healthy way.

I certainly have things that I'm holding onto from the old me. Things I need to give up. As I find them, I will try and understand them and lose them. I am growing but am also aware that new me needs nurturing and self awareness to ensure I continue to grow. I have previously seen good in me and stopped under this self delusion I was "better". I'm not, but working on it.

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[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 12:48 PM, Friday, March 20th]